My Heartbreak…

It’s been a month and it still hasn’t gotten any easier. On most days, I can usually forget.

But then every once in a while, a memory will crawl into my mind and the deep sadness will return. 

I’m a 33-year-old woman and I just got out of a two and a half year relationship. 

I’m sad for so many reasons. I’m mourning the loss of my best friend. I no longer receive texts from him in the morning or a good night phone call. I miss talking to him and making plans with him. I think about him moving on and meeting someone else, and that breaks my heart even more. 

I’m also mourning the fact that my dream of getting married and having children is now further from reach. It’s hard not to panic when I think about getting older. 

Social media is toxic for so many reasons, but nothing adds a dagger to your heart more than beautiful photos– one after another– of friends with their babies, husbands, and houses. It only makes the pain more worse, while sitting alone in my room, crying about what could have been. 

I met Jake* in a very serendipitous way, which is why I always assumed we would end up together. 

In the summer of 2018, I was told by a co-worker to watch the TV show “Jane the Virgin.” Once I started watching it, I was totally hooked. And I cried, yes, cried, when Michael Cordero showed up at Jane’s house and said, “Jane, I love you. I’ve always loved you.” 

Something ignited inside my heart and I realized I wanted to find love. I decided right then and there that I would be on a quest that summer to find “the one.” 

A few weeks later, I attended a 30th birthday party. The woman sitting next to me at the party told me that she met her husband on a dating app. “You should try it,” she said. “You never know who you might meet.” 

A few weeks after that, I ran into an old friend who asked me if I was dating anyone. 

“No,” I responded. 

“Before I met my husband, I prayed to St. Anthony,” she said. “I’ll give you the Novena. You have to try it.”

With inspiration from both run-ins, I signed up for an online dating app, prayed the Novena, and began dating around. It wasn’t long before I met Jake. 

I fell in love with him pretty quickly. I really thought I was going to marry him. I truly believed that I had found my Michael Cordero. 

Although the relationship had many ups, it also wasn’t perfect, and that became apparent pretty early on. We didn’t really have anything in common. I’m a North side girl who likes the Cubs, and Jake’s a South side guy who likes the White Sox. I love reality TV, makeup, and books, and he likes fishing, baseball, and being outdoors. 

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with this, but after a while, our differences wore on the relationship. 

Jake is also a first responder, and COVID and world events left a heavy strain on our relationship. At the beginning of the pandemic, we went weeks without seeing each other in fear of him contacting the virus and passing it along to me. It was too much to endure as a new couple, and it didn’t last. 

Although I was the one who initially ended the relationship, I miss him. I miss him so much that it hurts. The emptiness in my heart often leaves me crying at night when I’m alone. 

However, I still haven’t given up on love. Heartbreak is awful, but the only thing I can do now is stay positive. I know that “my person” is out there and is waiting for me–  just like I’m waiting for him.  

*name has been changed